Because you can’t make this drek up.

Hiya Ladyloos,

Constance and I had a glorious trip to Mykonos, where she burned to a crisp because she’s British. She spent most of the time carrying around that satchel that everyone has in neon colors and is really cool and edgy in theory until you walk into a job interview with a bag the color of a Teletubby. We had a relaxing vacation, and we’re back here to dole out some advice before you board your plane, train, or “lost at sea” vessel with your therapist, a la Bethenny Frankel. (Did you see that Bethenny tweeted at me? It mostly regarded my mooning my neighbors in honor of her recent Anderson Cooper appearance. It made my day, week, year.) 

I’m here to offer some advice to those of you traveling home for Passover or Easter, and bringing your significant other or your pretend significant other, Samuel, who you break out at bar mitzvahs and weddings and tell your parents/cousins how he went to Harvard Law and he was just too tied up running a hedge fund (and/or these days, his tech start-up) to come with you. But you’ll send pictures. He’s too cool for Facebook. 

If there’s one thing I know about Passover, it’s that it’s a ripe time to bring home a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m not sure about Easter, really, except that I think it’s an equally as important holiday that involves chocolate and not mourning/guilt like 75% of Jewish holidays. There was one year my family was away for Easter and my parents had the “Easter Bunny” from the hotel bring us baskets of chatchkes. I was in 7th grade, and still had a blackhead pore strip on my face when he arrived at 7 am. I’d show you the picture, but the look on my face is a mixture of “I can’t believe this is happening” and “now I’m really never getting a date”.

Here are some tips.

Bring something, anything, but make sure it’s K4P (or flowers)?

It’s always good, if you’re meeting a new guy/girl’s parents or second cousin twice removed that found the teeth of her twin in her neck, to bring a housewarming gift. Passover can be tricky – some people keep it very carefully, and some people just eat lasagna and use a kid’s Haggadah. To each their own. But bring a little something, even some flowers. It’ll take the edge off, and it’s always better to be able to hand someone’s mother something. It means you care. 

Have a debrief with your significant other beforehand.

It’s always good (and I always do this) to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend what you should or shouldn’t say, and if any topics are off limits. Pouring Uncle Larry a glass of wine when he’s a recovering alcoholic is one, but more than that, we keep a lot of stuff from our parents. Mine don’t need to know about my sixteen credit cards (not sure how that would come up, unless your Passover seder/Easter brunch ended in Credit Card Roulette) or that time in Barcelona with the Midget. Still. Not. Funny.

Offer to help/clean up.

Washing dishes can be cathartic. Also, you can eat more chocolate bunnies without anyone judging you. You’re just on clean-up duty, cutlery and otherwise.