Because you can’t make this drek up.

OH happy day. It’s the day when She Goddess of Diet Supplements and Hair Straightening is on the small screen. Hay P. Stang, what are your tgiving plans? If your tweets are any indication, you’re dating three people at once. I like your style. Let’s delve into this week’s hour of screaming, cursing, lip gloss, and dysfunction, shall we?

9:00: Spa plug, talking with Andrea. In one ear out the other. Patti says you should try to find guys in Jersey. “Eat me.”

9:02 Millionaire: PJ Marks. Peter Pan beach bum. Not terrible looking, lives in the Bahamas. His eyes are a little large for his face. Fishy eyes. Matching the sea he lives in six months out of the year. 

9:03: Millionairess: Cindy Guyer: Female Fabio cover model of romance novels. Wants deep chemistry, maybe also Fabio. Just watch out on rollercoasters. Bad luck, especially with aviary species.

9:05: PJ Meets with P. Stangolang: Is having Jersey shame issues. “Do you smoke weed?” Guess so. Or, he can’t remember. He needs a makeover, and some close-toed shoes. 

OMG ITS  DESHAWNE. HAVE YOU EVER DATED A DIVA, DESHAWNE? You are so wise. I LOVE YOU DESHAWNE. Thank you for being the only sane person on this show. 

9:10: Cindy Guyer: Lots of romance novels. (STAY TUNED FOR MY INTERVIEW WITH CINDY!) Do people still read? Do people read romance novels? I thought that ended in 1996, with the death of the Baby Sitter’s Club. sigh. Not that those were romance novels, but mostly because people got bored of Stacy’s diabetes. (Can we also talk about how this kids were like 11 and in charge of children?) Cindy’s ex-husband cheated and lied about wanting kids. Patti is connecting with Cindy, because both of them had numnut husband/boyfriends. 

9:15: For PJ: Kimberlee likes the beach and tanning. Sign her up, for Jersey Shore. Patti is bringing a 23-year-old as a test. Patti is bringing in backup – her friend Amy. 

For Cindy: Mike – cute (I INTERVIEWED HIM STAY TUNED FOR AFTER THIS!). Entrepreneur, cutie patootie. Eric is also a hottie pattotie. When someone is physically attractive, we rhyme. Apparently Patti is like Abercrombie & Fitch: she has to want to f*ck you to pass the test.

9:30: Mixer time! PJ looks hawt, although he is a bit orange. The silver fox I like for Cindy. There is some crazy lady molesting PJ, and I feel uncomfortable. Yay, PJ likes the friend Amy and Ruth. Cindy picked Mike and Eric.

Amy + PJ = lurve. Ruth’s accent is heavy.

Cindy + Eric = match made in a Bloomingdale’s catalogue (Eric looks like every Silver Fox model), and Mike loves Cindy. A lot. Mike has cute rosy cheeks though. And I like Cindy’s Teri Jon dress.

9:40: ITS SIN HALO’s BIRTHDAY! Patti wants to give a 1-year old a sex talk. Typical.

9:43: Idiotic PJ is making the chick go wakeboarding. And it’s Patti’s friend, so he’s going to get SLAUGHTERED.

9:45: Aw, Mikey has flowers and horses and music and butterflies and candy and Alice in Wonderland and a white horse and shiny armor and I think actually is trying to emulate a romance novel cover. Which is apropos. But he’s real cute (and I spoke to him on the phone earlier today) so, I’ll let it slide.

9:50: No, Christopher Columbus does not look like a Jewish boy from Long Island.

9:52: Picnic on the beach. There is sand in my bra. And it is raining.

9:57: We lurve Mike & Cindy, but STAY TUNED FOR MY INTERVIEW WITH THEM!

9:59: PJ is in trouuuuuuble. The slow montage of kissing, woof.

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