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Firing up the old FFJD cauldron, if you will. Constance is on “holiday” with her extended family, so I need someone new to buff my nails.
While waiting outside before drag queen Mother’s Day Brunch (literal), I overheard two girls talking (complaining) about their love lives. I can’t tell you how fun this is (“overhearing”), and especially when it comes to men. I hear things like – “Why can’t he just say I love you already>” “it’s really weird whenever he invites me over he insists I take my shoes off at the door, but only remove one sock” or “is it normal I think 50 Shades of Grey would help our relationship”.
In this particular instance, the overhearing touched on one of my favorite dating conundrums that affect the modern woman. “It was really fun, but I dumped him after two months,” the girl in gladiator sandals said, “there was just no magic.“
Bippity, boppity, boo!
Ladies, we need to talk. Our expectations for men (and often vice versa) are so out of whack, we go straight to fantasyland as a stand-in for our disappointment. Are you expecting to board the Platform 9 and 3/4 Train to Boyfriendland? Where everyone looks like Liam Hemsworth or Javier Bardem and they’re just waiting for you arrival, holding three bags of Louboutins and a puppy?
It’s time to get real. As in, based in non-unicorn reality.
1. Zatchels Color Block Leather Satchel, $218 2. 10 Crosby Derek Lam Colorblock Shift Dress, $325 3. ASOS Color Block Sunglasses, $22 4. ASOS Fluro Belt, $14 5. Jeffrey Campbell Suede Combo Heels, $180 6. Claudia Schiffer Tri-Color Silk and Linen Sweater, $525
Today I saw a tweet about @SoulCycle looking for a new social media manager. Which got me thinking, I’d probably have to try the class first. I’ve heard great things – from Kelly Bensimon’s legs to the yoga pants they sell with their logo, which manages to marry soul and cycle perfectly over a left thigh. Instead, here is what I imagine a Soul Cycle class to be like, even though I’ve never been to one.
Welcome to my SoulCycle class today, my fellow journeypeople. I’m so happy to have you here in my spin class, where we will thoroughly cleanse our souls, one spin of a wheel at a time. Think of it like you’re riding on two chore wheels, but instead of taking out the trash, you’re taking out the negative energy in your mind and spirit. It’s time to put aside the absent craisins from your salad today, or the wait for the 6. My name is Mariska, like the actress, and I’m here to make sure you burn enough calories to last through another overdone wedding at Cipriani.
Please notice the new towels to your left – they were specifically designed by Marc Jacobs for Marc Jacobs by Daisy by Marc Jacobs for Soul Cycle. They smell of lemon patchouli, Jacobs’ ex-lovers, and the microdermabrasion peel that we also offer in the back of our studio. Who’s ready to spin?
A couple housekeeping announcements – one. If anyone is allergic to wild verbena, I need to know right now. Two, as we dim the lights and enter into our tranquil exercise studio, it’s also important to keep in mind that our regular, Jake (Gyllenhaal), is here. Enough with staring at him, we’re all just lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl, as Abraham Lincoln once said. We are all one and the same. Jake – congrats on being an uncle again. Did Maggie end up going through with the water birth?
Today class, we are taking a trip through the hills of Los Angeles.
On this path to self discovery, our pores are invisible, we are dark, coming into the light. Cammie – not so dim please. I am your spiritual guide in this zen journey. There are no people in the 59th Street Bloomingdales. All is calm. I want you to imagine your entire body encased in Spanx. Breathe in, breathe out, and tighten. Keep it at a slow pace and gently turn your knob up to add a bit of resistance. They were just replaced by Marc Jacobs for Waterworks for Marc Jacobs.
Breathe in one two, and out one two. And push, I want you all up, pushing as hard as you can. Let’s do this.
Today’s music is a mixture of tribal, Top 40, trance, and lesbian and occasional lesbian deejay sets. Can you feel the energy in the room? I can. Great elbows over there.
I want each of you to think of a goal for class – my personal one is being nicer to my doorman, and remembering to think positive thoughts. Think of what makes you tick. Envision it dangling in front of you. Or think of a personal mantra to repeat to yourself over and over. Mine is “mantra”.
We’re imagining we’re in the Hollywood Hills, heading up Runyon Canyon. On the left – beautiful vistas. On the right, Lauren Conrad in leggings that aren’t doing her justice. And up! Up Up Up! Hold it. Hold it like Jessica Simpson held her baby for 11 months.
Now we’re cascading down the Hollywood hills, past Paula Abdul’s house. Get Out of My Dreams and onto this bike, journeypeople. Just remember who sang that. As we cascade down the hill, you’ve arrived at your final destination, my journeypeople. There’s a reservation for ten under “Mantra” at Katsuya. You’ve earned it.
Please wipe down your machines. If you’re interested in buying the playlist from today’s class it’s on Spotify. If you’d like to join me for next week’s ride, we will be at Coachella. The ferris wheel ever turning, like our bikes to nowhere.
Another housekeeping announcement: I’d like to remind you that the Hampton Jitney SoulCycle class is new, and debuts for Memorial Day. And revolutionary. Not only will it be combining the soul-intensifying workout but you will be burning calories, on a bus to the Hamptons. Just like in Spice World.
Jake – I’d like to speak to you for a second. It’s about placenta.
Hello, ladies (and the one guy who reads this site to delve into the female mind and realize that we are just as confused about ourselves as you are),
I’ve been unusually quiet, haven’t I? Did you miss me? I’ve missed me, or rather, I’ve missed you. But it’s only fair, to the readers who have stayed with me through this journey I like to call What the Fuck Are Your 20s. While it initially began as a foray into learning how to date, coming out of the college “hook up phase,” I feel like the site has evolved, as I’m sure have you. I have been dating The NJB for a year now. I met him at an entrepreneurship panel, and I never wrote about our first date, but I will say that it changed my life.
I feel like I’ve gotten away from that kernel. The essence of navigating the world of dating – online, in person, whether you want to date your friend or you have no idea what you want. And it’s not to say that it has to stop once you start dating someone – then there are a whole new set of avenues that you have to discover and are equally as trying and complex.
But the essence of it remains the same - that we all have no clue what we’re doing. I’m just being honest about it.
And I don’t mean in dating – I have lots to say on that subject, but in our careers, with our families (if you’re working out issues, or figuring out how to be an adult apart from them).
That’s what this site is and has always been about – finding myself finding myself and your working on it with me. I really wish there were GPS for it. I think we all do. Sure, your twenties are a fun time to celebrate and figure out if you really ought to upgrade to nice bedding from the stuff you had in college that has the slightest stain from pepperoni. But it’s also a time to figure out who you are, who you want to be, in career, friendships, and dating.
I felt like if I wasn’t posting five times a week, or extremely funny, that somehow it wasn’t true to FFJD. But I’m human, and not a robot. Or Amber Rose posing as a robot in a Svedka ad that makes me uncomfortable but also wonder how her ladyparts can breathe in that full-on Spandex suit.
Here’s the thing – I can’t write FFJD by myself anymore.
I can’t wax poetic about Constance (because she is way, way too busy clipping my toe-nails), and also because – we have to figure this all out together. I will be writing about dating topics when I can (not necessarily every day), and other dating-related content. I was lured by the pop culture allusions, the flash-in-the-pan entertainment. I also would like to touch on issues in friendships, and career, because those are equally as important pieces. And just as hard to navigate, no. As our Patron Saint Bethenny said, “you can have it all, but not all at once”. I think that was before she flashed her ass on Anderson Cooper and it had something to do with dieting. But I also think it’s true.
Yes, I am utterly hilarious and dream up sequences where I am a best-selling author, popping champagne (well, vodka-sodas) on a yacht in France with like three Malteses (I actually am not the biggest fan of small dogs). That much we know, but that’s not me all the time. If it were, I’d be Beyonce. If Beyonce were a Jewish girl in Washington locking herself out of her apartment and hugging a locksmith (last week).
Whether you’re dating someone seriously, or just beginning or date, or have no idea if your Saturday hookup is a regular thing, come here.
You can ask advice questions on Formspring. I’ll be essaying, when I feel like I have something to say. I’m thinking of some new topics, but also, listening.
In the meantime, I might need you guys to do some talking for me.
You can submit stories to Constance@theffjd.com, or post ideas, or thoughts. She is available Tuesdays between 10:27 and 10:30 for erranding. Consider her a TaskRabbit (download that).
Guys, it’s time for a birthday pregame of sorts. Well, a Twitter Twooter party with myself, @theffjd, and @yoplaityogurt. 8pm. Be there or be not delicious lactose-free Yoplait. I’ll be answering dating questions and talking lots about bloating. Or not bloating, or bloviating, or whatever. Share with your friends. And use the hashtag #yesmoment. Because if you’re not having a yes moment, you’re having no fun.
Hello, ladyloos. It’s time for an FFJD post, and one about something that is near and dear to our hearts: being 20something ladies with enough direction to know that we don’t want to be making photocopies for the rest of our lives and that guys who only text you “what r u doing” at 2 am on a Saturday are terrible news, but sometimes not a whole lot else. Which is why, as I sit here at my desk with my intern, Constance, giving me a back rub and words of encouragement (as well as testing all of my pens and making a Pinterest pinboard of all the places she would like to travel to if she weren’t chained to my desk), I want to write about Girls.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, or are myself and living under a pile of allergy pills/pollen/Kleenex/endless squinting and sneezing, which hopefully is considered a form of cardio, you’ve heard about wunderkind writer/actor/director/20something girl Lena Dunham’s new HBO series, Girls. If you didn’t watch the premiere last night, I won’t be giving you any spoiler alerts. But I think it raised a lot of interesting questions, and I think it hit the nail on the head (well, not that I’ve ever done any hammering of nails) about the current 20something, urban-dwelling female experience.
Enough with the SATC comparisons.
Constance and I had a glorious trip to Mykonos, where she burned to a crisp because she’s British. She spent most of the time carrying around that satchel that everyone has in neon colors and is really cool and edgy in theory until you walk into a job interview with a bag the color of a Teletubby. We had a relaxing vacation, and we’re back here to dole out some advice before you board your plane, train, or “lost at sea” vessel with your therapist, a la Bethenny Frankel. (Did you see that Bethenny tweeted at me? It mostly regarded my mooning my neighbors in honor of her recent Anderson Cooper appearance. It made my day, week, year.)
I’m here to offer some advice to those of you traveling home for Passover or Easter, and bringing your significant other or your pretend significant other, Samuel, who you break out at bar mitzvahs and weddings and tell your parents/cousins how he went to Harvard Law and he was just too tied up running a hedge fund (and/or these days, his tech start-up) to come with you. But you’ll send pictures. He’s too cool for Facebook.
If there’s one thing I know about Passover, it’s that it’s a ripe time to bring home a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m not sure about Easter, really, except that I think it’s an equally as important holiday that involves chocolate and not mourning/guilt like 75% of Jewish holidays. There was one year my family was away for Easter and my parents had the “Easter Bunny” from the hotel bring us baskets of chatchkes. I was in 7th grade, and still had a blackhead pore strip on my face when he arrived at 7 am. I’d show you the picture, but the look on my face is a mixture of “I can’t believe this is happening” and “now I’m really never getting a date”.
Here are some tips.