Because you can’t make this drek up.

Today I saw a tweet about @SoulCycle looking for a new social media manager. Which got me thinking, I’d probably have to try the class first. I’ve heard great things – from Kelly Bensimon’s legs to the yoga pants they sell with their logo, which manages to marry soul and cycle perfectly over a left thigh. Instead, here is what I imagine a Soul Cycle class to be like, even though I’ve never been to one.

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Welcome to my SoulCycle class today, my fellow journeypeople. I’m so happy to have you here in my spin class, where we will thoroughly cleanse our souls, one spin of a wheel at a time. Think of it like you’re riding on two chore wheels, but instead of taking out the trash, you’re taking out the negative energy in your mind and spirit. It’s time to put aside the absent craisins from your salad today, or the wait for the 6. My name is Mariska, like the actress, and I’m here to make sure you burn enough calories to last through another overdone wedding at Cipriani.

Please notice the new towels to your left – they were specifically designed by Marc Jacobs for Marc Jacobs by Daisy by Marc Jacobs for Soul Cycle. They smell of lemon patchouli, Jacobs’ ex-lovers, and the microdermabrasion peel that we also offer in the back of our studio. Who’s ready to spin?

A couple housekeeping announcements – one. If anyone is allergic to wild verbena, I need to know right now. Two, as we dim the lights and enter into our tranquil exercise studio, it’s also important to keep in mind that our regular, Jake (Gyllenhaal), is here. Enough with staring at him, we’re all just lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl, as Abraham Lincoln once said. We are all one and the same. Jake – congrats on being an uncle again. Did Maggie end up going through with the water birth? 

Today class, we are taking a trip through the hills of Los Angeles. 

On this path to self discovery, our pores are invisible, we are dark, coming into the light. Cammie – not so dim please. I am your spiritual guide in this zen journey. There are no people in the 59th Street Bloomingdales. All is calm. I want you to imagine your entire body encased in Spanx. Breathe in, breathe out, and tighten. Keep it at a slow pace and gently turn your knob up to add a bit of resistance. They were just replaced by Marc Jacobs for Waterworks for Marc Jacobs.

Breathe in one two, and out one two. And push, I want you all up, pushing as hard as you can. Let’s do this.

Today’s music is a mixture of tribal, Top 40, trance, and lesbian and occasional lesbian deejay sets. Can you feel the energy in the room? I can. Great elbows over there.

I want each of you to think of a goal for class – my personal one is being nicer to my doorman, and remembering to think positive thoughts. Think of what makes you tick. Envision it dangling in front of you. Or think of a personal mantra to repeat to yourself over and over. Mine is “mantra”.

We’re imagining we’re in the Hollywood Hills, heading up Runyon Canyon. On the left – beautiful vistas. On the right, Lauren Conrad in leggings that aren’t doing her justice. And up! Up Up Up! Hold it. Hold it like Jessica Simpson held her baby for 11 months.

Now we’re cascading down the Hollywood hills, past Paula Abdul’s house. Get Out of My Dreams and onto this bike, journeypeople. Just remember who sang that. As we cascade down the hill, you’ve arrived at your final destination, my journeypeople. There’s a reservation for ten under “Mantra” at Katsuya. You’ve earned it.

Please wipe down your machines. If you’re interested in buying the playlist from today’s class it’s on Spotify. If you’d like to join me for next week’s ride, we will be at Coachella. The ferris wheel ever turning, like our bikes to nowhere. 

Another housekeeping announcement: I’d like to remind you that the Hampton Jitney SoulCycle class is new, and debuts for Memorial Day. And revolutionary. Not only will it be combining the soul-intensifying workout but you will be burning calories, on a bus to the Hamptons. Just like in Spice World. 

Jake – I’d like to speak to you for a second. It’s about placenta.